Sometimes while telling my story, even in the anonymity of the world wide web, I’m afraid to tell the whole truth because I believe people may like me less. I don’t know why I’m that way. Maybe it’s just pride that keeps me from getting too personal. Therefore, I use the backspace key a lot.
I don’t want to be the blogger that raises the eyebrows of my gentle readers as they think, “Why is she telling us this?” That’s one reason I don’t talk so much about:
- Feeling ignored by God after the many prayers I’ve prayed that go unanswered.
- The shame I feel when well-meaning people tell me “All you have to do to lose weight is…” knowing I’ve tried that and failed. Many times.
- Feeling alone because no one understands my weakness. They can love me anyway, but they can’t understand, which leaves me very lonely in the fight.
- Being so far in the pit that it has become my dwelling place.
When bad things happen, my first response is not “Why me?” I may get around to asking, “Why does this keep happening to me?” with the intention of finding the answer to situations that repeat themselves…like my own repeated bad choices. I am reminded of a parable of sorts from years ago:
I went down a road and fell in a hole.
The next day, I went down the same road and fell in a hole.
The next day, I went down that road, came to a hole, walked around it and fell in another hole.
Today, I’m taking a different road.
I get pretty far down the different road (once 90 pounds worth of “down the road”) but then I turned around and started back toward the holey road, as I’d done many times before, finding all the lost pounds as I traveled back.
I know what draws me: Sugar.
It makes me feel the need to feed continuously.
And I give in again and again.
And again. With my
eyes mouth wide open.
We really need to talk about obedience, but I’m out of time for today.
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