The Quest to Believe

TBR ChristmasArriving home late one summer night after my daughter’s ballgame, I opened the door and flipped on the light just in time to see the biggest, fattest spider you ever saw waddle underneath my couch.  What transpired next involved a few shrieks and shudders, and a near-midnight call to my mother (who didn’t fall for my invitation to come spend the night and refused to get out of bed and drive two miles to rescue me…in fact, I believe she said something in the way of killing ME if I called her back…) and some anxious discussion with my 10 year old daughter about what we were going to do about the monster under the couch.   Looking back, it’s apparent I was a very mature mother!

A week or so before there had been a frog in the house, and my daughter suggested that maybe it was a frog instead of a spider, since it was so big it could only waddle.   But what would she know?  She didn’t even see it!  But the idea of it being an amphibian instead of an arachnid gave me courage, and I bravely gave the couch a hard shove away from the wall and jumped back, and that thing wadded into the shadows.  Definitely not a frog!  At this point, I had to be an adult and finish the deed, so with a can of Raid in hand, I shoved the couch again, and there it was!  A leaf.   A monster leaf, but a leaf, none the less, that caught the wind of the opening door and the sliding couch.

No, I wasn’t drinking.  But I believed, and I reacted to that belief.   Maybe you aren’t scared of gigantic spiders…or big leaves either…but it’s not nice to judge those of us who are.

Divider 1

We must choose what we believe.  In my struggle, even when I’ve made myself at home in the pit of discouragement, I have to remember that He is who He says He is.   I choose to believe the Bible is true, every word of it, and I can be free from the chains that bind me.  

But I do recognize a problem that I’ve yet to get past:  Gluttony is the only sin where I beg for help but add a stipulation:  “But, God, I don’t mean right now!   Right now, I want this cheeseburger, fries, and strawberry milkshake.  And oh, these chocolate chip cookies.  But Monday, Lord!  Help me on Monday to get this voracious appetite under control.   I’ll eat my way the through the weekend, but Monday, Lord…Monday!”   No, I never said that in words to God, but I did say it in my actions.  Loudly and repeatedly.  I really don’t want Him to be Lord of my plate and silverware.   I want to be in control of that!

I believe I need to change my ways a little…or a lot, actually. 
Change…yeah.  I don’t know how to do that.

Siggy 2

More 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes

3 thoughts on “The Quest to Believe

  1. Oh, wow, Margaret! I love your story! I too have been deathly afraid and then discovered that it was only a leaf (in a manner of speaking). And praying, “Lord, change me… tomorrow….” I’ve done that too. So happy to have found your blog. God bless you as you learn to believe on Him more and more.

    Liked by 1 person

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